Uhhh...system overload

It is so hard for me to make blog entries. Its not as though I don't think of anything. I promise there is a functioning brain in this skull of mine. It's not as though, I never have anything going on in my life. In fact, sometimes I feel as though there is so much going on, and I have a plethora of thoughts and ideas running through my mind. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "I could post five pages about this!" and then when I actually have time, once I actually sit down and open up this page, and there is this white box staring back at me, and I suddenly blankout.

When it came to Mexico I could write a book. I suppose it's just so easy to blog about what I am doing. It's however not as easy put what I am thinking out there, and spitball actual ideas. And I wonder what holds me back? Why can't I just put myself out there, share my opinions? IS it fear? Am I afraid of what kinds of comments people will leave? Am I afraid of something as petty as a grammar mistake? Not really. Or I should hope not. Or maybe it is really because I'm not used to sharing these things. I've never had to talk about them so I have no idea where to begin when it comes to writing them down.

And when I say these things of course I mean the big issues. One thing I've been thinking alot about lately is predestination. I called my dad, he said its a big messy issue he does not want to get into. Its openning a can of worms, because no matter what you say, no matter what side you take on the issue there is always going to be something contradictory, or that doesn't make sense and its going to be confusing. Someone is always going to get mad and say, well your God doesn't really love people. And you know, maybe he's right. Perhaps people will get mad, but even so, if I could understand it and learn the truth at the expense of a few people getting angry, I don't think I would care.

And I suppose I'll never really fully get it. I might not get the full truth and even if I did, would I believe it? Would I understand it? It sounds so complicated. And so far I've only heard three peoples opinions on it. I think my dad is right as far as understanding it, and how messy it can be. Perhaps we will never fully comprehend it. With our finite minds and our limits, can we ever hope to understand a infinite omnipotent GOD? Should we expect to? Will we understand everything he does or doesn't do and why? Sure, we can look to the bible for truth, we can pray for wisdom when discerning what version we should believe, we can talk to our pastors, our smartest friends and even our coolest wisest preists, but when all is said and done, what about these secret things of God will we fully understand, and know to be true in our hearts?

Do I think that if I keep asking these questions answers will just fall out of the sky? Well to be honest, I wish they would. I wish I could just know for sure, and make sense of everything. That way I wouldn't have people insulting me and telling I dont know what I'm saying. I don't want to sound like a bumbling imbecil (which I often do when I speak and the words just don't fall right) I want to know what I'm talking about, I want to have something to back me up. But then what about faith? This is something I get stuck on...Shouldnt I take comfort in the fact, that even if I dont fully understand, even if I'm a little confused, and even if i never know the correct answer to this question, I need to trust in Gods soveriengty? And this right now is just mindless ranting. I'm basically just venting to no one.

Maybe I should explain more, because I fear I am being more confusing than I realize. I was not entirely sure what I as a protestant should believe about predestination. I know what I do believe, just as me, denomination aside. I believe that God loves everyone, that Jesus died as an atonning sacrifice for our sins (the sins of the world). Gods will is for everyone to be saved. He does not deliberately or actively damn anyone. This is not what he wants. However, God is all knowing and all powerful. He can see everything because he is outside of time. He knows who will choose to follow him (of there own free will) and who will choose not to. God gives us a choice, we can follow him or we can choose to go our own way. Those who do choose him are his choosen people. The thing I struggle understand is if, God did not choose us and we choose him, then way do we say that God softens our hearts and hardens others, and if he does indeed soften someones heart and harden another, then how can we say that he didnt choose some but not others? Is this choosing or just imparting grace and we will do with that grace what we will. Do we all recieve this grace and the same opportunities to know God, and if not, then why don't we? What about those people who never knew about God, who were never preached to? Never told about Jesus? What about those who never had the chance to know Jesus, to hear about what he did for them on the cross? Does that mean because they never had the opportunity that they God to hell? Does that mean that God did not give them their grace? And if not, does that mean that some are choose and some are not? Why do some die never hearing the gospel? I know that God is just God and he will judge righteously. I know that he is good and whatever he does is just and upright.