unoriginal
I think I have insomnia. Last night was yet another one of those nights during which I couldn't fall asleep. I finally fell asleep at 5 am. I was going to update then, but my head felt so deprived of rest that I was rendered incapable of putting my thoughts into coherent sentences. I've had one nightmarish night, similar to this night, a week ago which was followed by subsequent nights of a normal and regular sleep pattern. So I am hoping this sleepless night will be followed by many sleep-satisfying-ones. I would really love to get a decent nights rest tonight. My head hurts. And the thing is, you would think after a night like this, I would be able to sleep soundly into the late morning or even well past noon...but I can't. I can't sleep too late; I can't sleep during the day really. I can take naps randomly while doing homework, but now I am afraid that is the root, if not at least becoming part of the problem. Maybe my recent habit of taking long afternoon naps is causing me this difficultly of falling asleep at night. So I am going to avoid naps from now on, if I can help it. This could very quickly turn into an ugly habit. My body is tired but my mind is restless. Also, I think part of the problem is I think too much before I go to bed. Sometimes when I have a lot going on in my life, and I'm stressed about events to come, my mind starts to go into overdrive and I start to analyze everything instead of resting. I’ve determined this is probably due to either,
a.) I am too busy to think about these things and deal with them during the day, or b.) I don't feel like thinking about, or trying to work through something stressful when it actually happens, so I put it off and it all ends up catching up with me during the night when I have nothing better to do but lay in my bed and let my mind wander aimlessly. Usually when this happens, I eventually fall asleep out of pure exhaustion and involuntary shutdown of mental faculties, and almost routinely have some bizarre, vivid dream. Case and point;
Once I finally did get to sleep around 4:58 am I had the scariest, and weirdest dream. It felt so real and the images burned in my retina were hauntingly clear. It wasn't supposed to be a nightmare, or at least I didn't think so at first. It was filled with the comforting ambiance of color, and familiarity, resembling a place from a nostalgic fantasy, until it gradually transformed into something out of a Bram Stoker novel, as an ominous ivory tower began to ascend from amidst deceptively picturesque and quiescent scenery. The sky, a once blithe, and brightly painted blue, was suddenly a stark amber yellow. The ivory tower wasn’t really ivory at all; it was a sumptuous array of colors and boldly printed symbols, each encryption no man on earth had yet been able to decipher. The display of colors adorning the tower were magnificently presented, yet for some reason it carried a presence equally as terrifying, in that even in its undeniable beauty, it invoked a deep sense of dread within me. My heart was beating abnormally fast when I woke up to panting. Thankfully, due to my minds fatigue, my anxiety over the dream was short lived; I was so tired, I immediately drifted back to a lifeless, undisturbed sleep. And after that waking point, I can no longer recall anything about my dream (annoyingly enough, I still posses a slight nagging desire to do so). I can't even be sure if my waking was reality or just my minds way of putting an end to that terrible feeling I had while dreaming...or perhaps it was both. And now freakishly enough, I can't remember anything else about that dream other than that insidious, ornate tower, which for some reason, imparted on me the dreadful affliction and expectation of my inescapable doom.
Well on that note, last night or early this morning rather, I read through all of Galatians and Ephesians. I am not going to share any revelations with you, because the truth is I didn't have any. To be honest I think I read them to quickly, and I didn't really stop to meditate on any particular passage. I suppose Maybe at some point in time, I will understand or accept everything I don't really want to. Putting my thoughts about anything important and worth while aside, now I just feel like using this time to get some mindless pet peeves off my chest. You could have stopped reading long before this point, but if by some miracle you haven't (because I sure would have), I encourage you to stop now. The following is a list of irrelevant insignificant petty grievances that I've found I hold against myself and others.
I feel silly using this blog to complain and whenever I feel like doing this (complaining which sometimes turns into gossip), a very true and useful quote by Eleanor Roosevelt comes to mind and keeps me in check,
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
I would like to hope that I have at least an average mind. However I would someday like to have a great mind. I’m going to try I suppose.
With that being said I will keep in mind I am venting more for cathartic purposes and not trying to berate people who demonstrate these particular idiosyncrasies. Though perhaps some of these qualities, which I have found both myself and others to possess have really come to be an incessant vexation as of late.
1.) I can’t stand arrogance. Now at first, when I think of arrogance, I typically think of extremely smart people. But I also have met unbelievably dumb people who are exceedingly arrogant as well. And it is not really fair to limit this specifically to matters of intellect. There are plenty of things that could lead a person to act, or think very highly of themselves. And I am not just speaking of a high self concept, but even to arrogance about a specific idea or belief someone holds. So I am trying not to think of it in terms of people or specific gifts that a person has, but just the essence, just the concept, the meaning behind that word. I hate the thought processes that arrogance entails, and the fact that usually arrogance leaves no room for humility, and seems to go hand in hand with an over established sense of self pride. The thing is though; I’ve started to notice are a lot of really arrogant people also tending to be incredibly self absorbed. Now I do think that we as humans are all already incredibly self absorbed, but in my experience being arrogant only exacerbates this problem. I say this because I think it is so hard for us to step outside ourselves sometimes, and just open our eyes and see that there is a world around us. To see the bigger picture and the more important side of matters or issues. Sometimes it becomes more about “having to be right” all the time, than actually wanting to learn, and be willing to be humbled, and listen to others, and figure out the truth, even if its hard to hear or not what we are used to. Stepping outside ourselves could be something as simple as realizing there are other people, who have feelings, thoughts, opinions and needs. Others who have problems, or talents and gifts. Basically getting in the mind set, that even if I don't agree with everything this person is saying, or don’t believe exactly the same things…I am going to listen to them, because they still have something to offer. I could still learn something beautiful from this person or from this idea, even if it’s not precisely in line with every single thing I hold to be true. I find myself becoming so worried all time about me...yadda, yadda I know probably everyone has heard this speech. But it’s just important for me to remind myself. I feel if we are arrogant, it will be even harder for us to step outside of ourselves and see this differences, and care, because we will think we are right or better the way we are or in our thinking, so we just decide we don’t need to, and no one else’s input could do us any good.
2.) There is a fear in everyone of being alone; not being love or accepted—ironically enough this fear itself is the very source of our loneliness. At least I think so. This is also nothing new. I feel as though nothing I say ever is, but once again it is something I am not often aware of and felt it needed to be expressed. It bothers me so much how I walk around like a zombie, I can be emotionless at times. Even when I’m going through a hard situation, I can’t help it I have to put on this demeanor like everything is ok. I bet you could have seen me last week and not known a single genuine thought going on in my head. A lot happened last week, it was rough, things with school, and at home. But I can’t blame you for not being concerned because I didn’t want you to know and I made sure you wouldn’t figure it out. I feel like I walk around robotically…I think this is coupled by a fear of letting people in. A deep self centeredness and fear that no one could possibly really and truly love me for who I am. We have to be a certain way; we have to conform to a certain mold. And this creates a sense of monotony that is sometimes overwhelming. I want to open up and give my heart, I want to truly love someone the way Jesus did, but in my self centeredness, and fear I am held back. Why? Because I am more concerned with what people will think of me, than actually trying to love God, others, and myself. I have more faith in my weakness than in Gods power to work through me in spite of that. Though as of late, I am constantly reminded and see God has been working my life, and things have been getting better in this department. As far as making myself vulnerable and really love others (at the risk of putting myself out there) I am still a work in progress. But I know God will carry out his good work in me until the day of completion in Christ Jesus. It’s a comforting fact, and it brings me Joy. Granted I still have such a long way to go, but I have faith now more than ever that God is working in my heart and giving me courage.
I no longer know what this venting session has turned into but I cant think of any other thing that really annoys me right now about myself or others haha. I do however think I need to go to bed and hopefully soon enough I will have processed and collected all my thoughts on our current bible study and be able to share my thoughts about that (something I actually consider to be important). Ugh...hmm well I guess the last thing I want to say is, God has really been good to me my entire life. Even in the hard times, and the sufferrings he has loved me and carried me through, teaching me alot every step of the way. I really wish this entry wasnt already so long and i hope I can talk more about these things later. One last thing that is on my mind at this very moment...I am so thankful for the people in my life. I need to sleep now! until next time.
adios,
Samone
a.) I am too busy to think about these things and deal with them during the day, or b.) I don't feel like thinking about, or trying to work through something stressful when it actually happens, so I put it off and it all ends up catching up with me during the night when I have nothing better to do but lay in my bed and let my mind wander aimlessly. Usually when this happens, I eventually fall asleep out of pure exhaustion and involuntary shutdown of mental faculties, and almost routinely have some bizarre, vivid dream. Case and point;
Once I finally did get to sleep around 4:58 am I had the scariest, and weirdest dream. It felt so real and the images burned in my retina were hauntingly clear. It wasn't supposed to be a nightmare, or at least I didn't think so at first. It was filled with the comforting ambiance of color, and familiarity, resembling a place from a nostalgic fantasy, until it gradually transformed into something out of a Bram Stoker novel, as an ominous ivory tower began to ascend from amidst deceptively picturesque and quiescent scenery. The sky, a once blithe, and brightly painted blue, was suddenly a stark amber yellow. The ivory tower wasn’t really ivory at all; it was a sumptuous array of colors and boldly printed symbols, each encryption no man on earth had yet been able to decipher. The display of colors adorning the tower were magnificently presented, yet for some reason it carried a presence equally as terrifying, in that even in its undeniable beauty, it invoked a deep sense of dread within me. My heart was beating abnormally fast when I woke up to panting. Thankfully, due to my minds fatigue, my anxiety over the dream was short lived; I was so tired, I immediately drifted back to a lifeless, undisturbed sleep. And after that waking point, I can no longer recall anything about my dream (annoyingly enough, I still posses a slight nagging desire to do so). I can't even be sure if my waking was reality or just my minds way of putting an end to that terrible feeling I had while dreaming...or perhaps it was both. And now freakishly enough, I can't remember anything else about that dream other than that insidious, ornate tower, which for some reason, imparted on me the dreadful affliction and expectation of my inescapable doom.
Well on that note, last night or early this morning rather, I read through all of Galatians and Ephesians. I am not going to share any revelations with you, because the truth is I didn't have any. To be honest I think I read them to quickly, and I didn't really stop to meditate on any particular passage. I suppose Maybe at some point in time, I will understand or accept everything I don't really want to. Putting my thoughts about anything important and worth while aside, now I just feel like using this time to get some mindless pet peeves off my chest. You could have stopped reading long before this point, but if by some miracle you haven't (because I sure would have), I encourage you to stop now. The following is a list of irrelevant insignificant petty grievances that I've found I hold against myself and others.
I feel silly using this blog to complain and whenever I feel like doing this (complaining which sometimes turns into gossip), a very true and useful quote by Eleanor Roosevelt comes to mind and keeps me in check,
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
I would like to hope that I have at least an average mind. However I would someday like to have a great mind. I’m going to try I suppose.
With that being said I will keep in mind I am venting more for cathartic purposes and not trying to berate people who demonstrate these particular idiosyncrasies. Though perhaps some of these qualities, which I have found both myself and others to possess have really come to be an incessant vexation as of late.
1.) I can’t stand arrogance. Now at first, when I think of arrogance, I typically think of extremely smart people. But I also have met unbelievably dumb people who are exceedingly arrogant as well. And it is not really fair to limit this specifically to matters of intellect. There are plenty of things that could lead a person to act, or think very highly of themselves. And I am not just speaking of a high self concept, but even to arrogance about a specific idea or belief someone holds. So I am trying not to think of it in terms of people or specific gifts that a person has, but just the essence, just the concept, the meaning behind that word. I hate the thought processes that arrogance entails, and the fact that usually arrogance leaves no room for humility, and seems to go hand in hand with an over established sense of self pride. The thing is though; I’ve started to notice are a lot of really arrogant people also tending to be incredibly self absorbed. Now I do think that we as humans are all already incredibly self absorbed, but in my experience being arrogant only exacerbates this problem. I say this because I think it is so hard for us to step outside ourselves sometimes, and just open our eyes and see that there is a world around us. To see the bigger picture and the more important side of matters or issues. Sometimes it becomes more about “having to be right” all the time, than actually wanting to learn, and be willing to be humbled, and listen to others, and figure out the truth, even if its hard to hear or not what we are used to. Stepping outside ourselves could be something as simple as realizing there are other people, who have feelings, thoughts, opinions and needs. Others who have problems, or talents and gifts. Basically getting in the mind set, that even if I don't agree with everything this person is saying, or don’t believe exactly the same things…I am going to listen to them, because they still have something to offer. I could still learn something beautiful from this person or from this idea, even if it’s not precisely in line with every single thing I hold to be true. I find myself becoming so worried all time about me...yadda, yadda I know probably everyone has heard this speech. But it’s just important for me to remind myself. I feel if we are arrogant, it will be even harder for us to step outside of ourselves and see this differences, and care, because we will think we are right or better the way we are or in our thinking, so we just decide we don’t need to, and no one else’s input could do us any good.
2.) There is a fear in everyone of being alone; not being love or accepted—ironically enough this fear itself is the very source of our loneliness. At least I think so. This is also nothing new. I feel as though nothing I say ever is, but once again it is something I am not often aware of and felt it needed to be expressed. It bothers me so much how I walk around like a zombie, I can be emotionless at times. Even when I’m going through a hard situation, I can’t help it I have to put on this demeanor like everything is ok. I bet you could have seen me last week and not known a single genuine thought going on in my head. A lot happened last week, it was rough, things with school, and at home. But I can’t blame you for not being concerned because I didn’t want you to know and I made sure you wouldn’t figure it out. I feel like I walk around robotically…I think this is coupled by a fear of letting people in. A deep self centeredness and fear that no one could possibly really and truly love me for who I am. We have to be a certain way; we have to conform to a certain mold. And this creates a sense of monotony that is sometimes overwhelming. I want to open up and give my heart, I want to truly love someone the way Jesus did, but in my self centeredness, and fear I am held back. Why? Because I am more concerned with what people will think of me, than actually trying to love God, others, and myself. I have more faith in my weakness than in Gods power to work through me in spite of that. Though as of late, I am constantly reminded and see God has been working my life, and things have been getting better in this department. As far as making myself vulnerable and really love others (at the risk of putting myself out there) I am still a work in progress. But I know God will carry out his good work in me until the day of completion in Christ Jesus. It’s a comforting fact, and it brings me Joy. Granted I still have such a long way to go, but I have faith now more than ever that God is working in my heart and giving me courage.
I no longer know what this venting session has turned into but I cant think of any other thing that really annoys me right now about myself or others haha. I do however think I need to go to bed and hopefully soon enough I will have processed and collected all my thoughts on our current bible study and be able to share my thoughts about that (something I actually consider to be important). Ugh...hmm well I guess the last thing I want to say is, God has really been good to me my entire life. Even in the hard times, and the sufferrings he has loved me and carried me through, teaching me alot every step of the way. I really wish this entry wasnt already so long and i hope I can talk more about these things later. One last thing that is on my mind at this very moment...I am so thankful for the people in my life. I need to sleep now! until next time.
adios,
Samone
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