public speaking
Word of advice: Don't eat white chocolate to close before your bed time. Another word of advice, don't be anxious about things you have no control over. Tomorrow is my first Charity Fair event with CHS. It's for my internship. My second official advocacy type thing where I am going to represent my agencey in order to appropriate funds for our programs. I'm going to go to this fair, have my own little space on my own little side of the table...and I'm going to sit there, along with about fifty other reps from various other organizations, and I'm going to talk to whoever comes to my table about our programs. I'm going to hand out flyers, insist on them taking candy, in hopes that someone will support me.
I really have no control over this. I'm as prepared as I'll ever be, and I'm still freaking out over it and losing sleep. My goal in posting this is that by 1:30 am I will be too tired to care and just plop on my bed and pass out. I don't really understand why I'm nervous. It's not like I haven't spoken in front of people before. I guess its just natural to get nervous before something like this, espcially when it's your first time around...yet still I don't get it. I'm not usually this anxious about things and now all the sudden every single trivial seemingly easy thing about this internship scares the living daylights out of me. Maybe because I feel like this actually counts for something. Maybe I'm afraid of screwing up my grade, or what could potentially become my career. Maybe I'm afraid I'll be bad at it. And that's a pretty scary thought in and of itself, that I might possibly suck at what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Or maybe Im afraid it isnt what I want to do for sure, and therefore I am freaking out because if I mess up, I'll assume I'm proven right, and then I wont know where to go.
Now I know its ridiculous to think that just because something doesnt go absolutely perfect the first time around, that its not what we are meant to do. I'm trying to be too crazy.
So something that has been on my mind lately;
I was in my seminar class the other day, and we were all discussing strengths and weaknesses. I discovered that pretty much everything I consider a weakness in myself, is exactly how other people percieve or define their weaknesses too. I feel like I have a combination of many, and none of them are too extreme...for example, one person said they used to be so afraid of speaking in front of crowds that they would have an anxiety attack and throw up before giving a speech, presentation or even something as simple as making a small announcement...now, I think about this and think...well I am intimidated by public speaking, and I have always considered my inability to articulate myself well a weakness, however I do not have it to this extreme. I get nervous, but I can still do it. Among other things some people said about their weaknesses, I found myself questioning...does everyone have these weaknesses? Or maybe I should call them small insecurities, petty worries, things that we think we are so bad at or are such a big deal, but in reality, they seem to be things that every person, human being struggles with. And I wonder at the root of these problems what is the underlying issue? For example at the root of public speaking, is the fear really speaking in front of people, or is it self esteem issues? For me I can reason all I want about how, speaking in public isnt a big deal, its not about me, its for a greater cause, I'm helping out, I need to do this, but in the end I am still nervous getting in front of a crowd. WHAT the heck is this fear? Someone wise described it to me as, you are going on up there, and people are looking to you to hear what YOU have to say. You have something that no one else (typically) in that crowd has. They are relying on you for information, they are listening to you because you are the expert. So why should you be concerned with what they think of you, when they want to learn something from you? That really calmed my anxiety at first. But then, right when it was about 30 seconds before I had to make my announcement, I felt the nerves creeping up on me again, and I found myself taking deep breaths.
Someone else I know once told me, no one really cares what you have to say, and you have to say it anyway, you have to make them care. This is also another way to go about it. I mean, if no one cares what you have to say, yet they have to listen to you anyway, I suppose who really cares what they think of you right? who really cares if you stumble on a word. Or some might say its not as much about the presentation as it is about the message. Although for me, I don't hear the message if the delivery isnt enticing. maybe thats not the point they were trying to make but that is how I interpreted it.
Another person told me, trying to calm my nerves before an advocacy speech, "They have nothing on you, your cooler than everyone else here." and that didn't really calm my nerves. I started to look at the people in the room and worry about the fact that I wasn't quite dressed to impress. Anyway taking all these breather methods into consideration, I couldnt bring myself to stop worrying what I was going to say, and how not to make an idiot of myself. In the end I kind of realized I was just going to have to do it and learn from my mistakes. it helped to think that maybe these people werent really looking at me, but listening to me. And then I thought after all was literally said and done, why the heck was that so hard? I've done speeches before, made much more wordy and verbose announcements for much less a cause!
I learned I kind of need to get over myself. it's frusterating because I used to think i didnt care what people think of me. And more recently Im starting to see that I do, and I'm trying to remedy that by doing things I would normally if no one was around. I'm just trying to be me I guess. and its hard because sometimes I dont know if I am really being me, or if I am only doing, or not doing something because I'm afriad of what others think. Now we all do this of course but its been on my mind. It bothers me that I dont know what the heck there is to be afraid of about such things half the time, and then the other half of the time I waste actually being afriad when it comes time to doing them.
I think I afraid of taking silly little risks. Asking out a cute boy for example. Am I afriad of being rejected or that he will think I'm nuts. A little bit of both probably.
Putting my opinions out there...also trying harder. Im afraid of not expressing myself correctly. when Im nervous and Im too worried about making myself look dumb or being percieved as such, I dont want to.
sometimes im a perfectionist. I need to learn to forgive myself, and start trusting myself and God more. I need to have more faith in myself I suppose. this also goes along with having faith in God in his ability to work through me. Ex, I dont want to be too passive but I dont want to be too aggressive. I want to find a balance for everything in my life but I cant seem to figure out how that works.
And in case you havent noticed I am way to self involved and I over analyze and think way to much about my problems and what I do wrong. I also don't know why that is. I keep praying that I will be God focused and not be so me focused but it doesnt seem to be happening. Also the thing I want more than anything else, which it seems to be the number one answer to all these problems and will help me to finally feel sane is, I would like to be secure. What I mean by that is, to be Completely secure in Christ, from this to attain security in myself...and I feel somehow that this will also come through just knowing and trusting God. Trusting that God can use me despite my weaknesses, but also that he can give me strength and his couragous spirit. Knowing and accepting myself....yet not giving up, but trying each day to change the things I can, changing the things I can through his power, grace and love.
The second thing I want goes hand in hand with this, I want to be joyful. I want the joy of the Lord to be my strength in all that I do. I want to be motivated and secure in his great love.
I really have no control over this. I'm as prepared as I'll ever be, and I'm still freaking out over it and losing sleep. My goal in posting this is that by 1:30 am I will be too tired to care and just plop on my bed and pass out. I don't really understand why I'm nervous. It's not like I haven't spoken in front of people before. I guess its just natural to get nervous before something like this, espcially when it's your first time around...yet still I don't get it. I'm not usually this anxious about things and now all the sudden every single trivial seemingly easy thing about this internship scares the living daylights out of me. Maybe because I feel like this actually counts for something. Maybe I'm afraid of screwing up my grade, or what could potentially become my career. Maybe I'm afraid I'll be bad at it. And that's a pretty scary thought in and of itself, that I might possibly suck at what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Or maybe Im afraid it isnt what I want to do for sure, and therefore I am freaking out because if I mess up, I'll assume I'm proven right, and then I wont know where to go.
Now I know its ridiculous to think that just because something doesnt go absolutely perfect the first time around, that its not what we are meant to do. I'm trying to be too crazy.
So something that has been on my mind lately;
I was in my seminar class the other day, and we were all discussing strengths and weaknesses. I discovered that pretty much everything I consider a weakness in myself, is exactly how other people percieve or define their weaknesses too. I feel like I have a combination of many, and none of them are too extreme...for example, one person said they used to be so afraid of speaking in front of crowds that they would have an anxiety attack and throw up before giving a speech, presentation or even something as simple as making a small announcement...now, I think about this and think...well I am intimidated by public speaking, and I have always considered my inability to articulate myself well a weakness, however I do not have it to this extreme. I get nervous, but I can still do it. Among other things some people said about their weaknesses, I found myself questioning...does everyone have these weaknesses? Or maybe I should call them small insecurities, petty worries, things that we think we are so bad at or are such a big deal, but in reality, they seem to be things that every person, human being struggles with. And I wonder at the root of these problems what is the underlying issue? For example at the root of public speaking, is the fear really speaking in front of people, or is it self esteem issues? For me I can reason all I want about how, speaking in public isnt a big deal, its not about me, its for a greater cause, I'm helping out, I need to do this, but in the end I am still nervous getting in front of a crowd. WHAT the heck is this fear? Someone wise described it to me as, you are going on up there, and people are looking to you to hear what YOU have to say. You have something that no one else (typically) in that crowd has. They are relying on you for information, they are listening to you because you are the expert. So why should you be concerned with what they think of you, when they want to learn something from you? That really calmed my anxiety at first. But then, right when it was about 30 seconds before I had to make my announcement, I felt the nerves creeping up on me again, and I found myself taking deep breaths.
Someone else I know once told me, no one really cares what you have to say, and you have to say it anyway, you have to make them care. This is also another way to go about it. I mean, if no one cares what you have to say, yet they have to listen to you anyway, I suppose who really cares what they think of you right? who really cares if you stumble on a word. Or some might say its not as much about the presentation as it is about the message. Although for me, I don't hear the message if the delivery isnt enticing. maybe thats not the point they were trying to make but that is how I interpreted it.
Another person told me, trying to calm my nerves before an advocacy speech, "They have nothing on you, your cooler than everyone else here." and that didn't really calm my nerves. I started to look at the people in the room and worry about the fact that I wasn't quite dressed to impress. Anyway taking all these breather methods into consideration, I couldnt bring myself to stop worrying what I was going to say, and how not to make an idiot of myself. In the end I kind of realized I was just going to have to do it and learn from my mistakes. it helped to think that maybe these people werent really looking at me, but listening to me. And then I thought after all was literally said and done, why the heck was that so hard? I've done speeches before, made much more wordy and verbose announcements for much less a cause!
I learned I kind of need to get over myself. it's frusterating because I used to think i didnt care what people think of me. And more recently Im starting to see that I do, and I'm trying to remedy that by doing things I would normally if no one was around. I'm just trying to be me I guess. and its hard because sometimes I dont know if I am really being me, or if I am only doing, or not doing something because I'm afriad of what others think. Now we all do this of course but its been on my mind. It bothers me that I dont know what the heck there is to be afraid of about such things half the time, and then the other half of the time I waste actually being afriad when it comes time to doing them.
I think I afraid of taking silly little risks. Asking out a cute boy for example. Am I afriad of being rejected or that he will think I'm nuts. A little bit of both probably.
Putting my opinions out there...also trying harder. Im afraid of not expressing myself correctly. when Im nervous and Im too worried about making myself look dumb or being percieved as such, I dont want to.
sometimes im a perfectionist. I need to learn to forgive myself, and start trusting myself and God more. I need to have more faith in myself I suppose. this also goes along with having faith in God in his ability to work through me. Ex, I dont want to be too passive but I dont want to be too aggressive. I want to find a balance for everything in my life but I cant seem to figure out how that works.
And in case you havent noticed I am way to self involved and I over analyze and think way to much about my problems and what I do wrong. I also don't know why that is. I keep praying that I will be God focused and not be so me focused but it doesnt seem to be happening. Also the thing I want more than anything else, which it seems to be the number one answer to all these problems and will help me to finally feel sane is, I would like to be secure. What I mean by that is, to be Completely secure in Christ, from this to attain security in myself...and I feel somehow that this will also come through just knowing and trusting God. Trusting that God can use me despite my weaknesses, but also that he can give me strength and his couragous spirit. Knowing and accepting myself....yet not giving up, but trying each day to change the things I can, changing the things I can through his power, grace and love.
The second thing I want goes hand in hand with this, I want to be joyful. I want the joy of the Lord to be my strength in all that I do. I want to be motivated and secure in his great love.
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