Let me see if I can figure this out

http://phoenixweasley.wordpress.com/ read this and I don't have to do anything. It's pretty cool/fascinating.

I hug you tightly, I can hear a smile form, as your snicker becomes a laugh. I promised I wouldn't cry. but I feel warm tears coming so I hold them back. Your smile is lovely and sweet, a mischievous grin quite vibrant and fleet. Scrawny little arms envelop my waist, drops spill into my mouth and it's salty at the taste. So young and so small. you try to make yourself as tall- as me. as you press your callous toes into the shifting pebbles on the street. I marvel at how the hot cement does not burn such tiny little feet. Milk white teeth against a chestnut brown face. We are standing in such a scorching heat, for such a happy place. You tickle me and leap away, giggling and taunting I know this game, and now this memory is haunting. you want me to chase you around the cancha, dodging through the palm branches, hiding amongst the leaves, you run your fastest and i kneel over taking advantage of every precious breeze. You smile widely and your dark eyes glisten. I try not to list...

this peace I found in a foreign place that brings my heart to seek his face I can not help but take this grace because he placed it on my heart and all the things that I once feared they are but trifles through the years for he but stilled my bitter tears I cannot see them anymore my eyes are fixed on something more that gives strength when I am frail and makes me rich though I am poor. and brings me hope on which to sail. this joy I found in a far off land and guided me by nail pierced hand shown me how great is this love I have I cannot speak of and not cry because it saved a wretch like I and all the prayers they brought me home and carried me to golden throne And all this time I was not alone it was his love that brought me there, back to the place from where I roamed.

I am wearing a big goofy grin when I sit at the table with all of them and I laugh when I think about this past week. and it seems like the holiday season has hit its peak I can't help but laugh at every smiling face I see because in each smile is a happy memory I remind myself that being so happy is not a sin and when I think about how long its been I can't help but get all teary eyed for when I saw them, my heart but sighed and my eyes swelled with joyful tears, because I can't believe it's been five busy years since hugging them,since seeing those faces, since smelling those smells, and being those places I'm sitting here just spending time with all of you just talking and relaxing the way we used to do I can't believe I'm feeling so happy here, so at peace as we joke around the doubts I had diminish, and then cease It truly felt like we came home, perhaps we were never gone you would have thought we'd never left the way we get alon...

is forever enough, is forever enough? So I wish I weren't so self absorbed so I could actually write about something interesting, worth while and not entirely have to do with me. But sadly, lately that is all I have been thinking about. This is why sometimes I don't see the point in writing and updating. I feel like everything I have to say is pointless and uninteresting. I feel like anything important is smothered by my trivial problems. Also, I never have the balls to write about anything personal on here. So sometimes I feel like the best I can do is post a silly rant or a lame sappy poem that's not even good. Hmm well I guess I could update with some news. First of all four of my nine references have gotten their stuff to MTW. So I guess its moving along. I turned in my full application a few weeks ago. So now it is just a matter of waiting, praying, and more waiting. My phone interview is going to be about 6 weeks and then if that goes well I should be having my in-per...

So I didn't even know about this November Journaling Month until I read Valerie's post. I don't really have time to do it everyday I think, but I've decided I will try and write a little more this month. Even if they are short and pointless entries. I looked up some prompts online and wanted to find something interesting to write about. and then I realized I'd rather just do something for my amusement. This one will be short because I have a paper to finish before this weekend. What do you feel when you stare at the stars? I feel like I'm connected to someone far away somehow. Because even though we are far apart, we see the same stars and we both are connected at heart. I feel peace and awe and wonder. I feel inspired to pray and the affirmation in my bones that there is something greater than I could possibly imagine out there, in charge of all the universe. I feel alone and yet surrounded by so many things at the same time. Its this weird feeling of knowing ...

I'm sitting here wanting memories to teach me, to see the beauty of the world through my own eyes I thought that you were gone, but now I know you're here with me. You are the voice that whispers all I need to hear. I was sitting here. Thinking of all these things that I am blessed with. All things, and changes that I see God making in my life and in the lives of people who I love. And I could cry. In fact, I almost do. I just wanted to post and talk about all the ways that God has blessed me. But I can't talk so much about other people's personal lives on a live blog. Hah I just have seen all these things. I feel like when I post on here sometimes, my posts are all about God and loving him and trusting him. I hope no one mistakes me for some kind of saint. Cause the thing is, even when I post this stuff or just because I'm posting this or that is what God puts on my mind at such a particular time, does not mean I am perfect or have it all figured out. And I get wor...

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. The comfort I find in this verse never ceases to amaze me. It's like, I never get tired of hearing or reading this verse and for some reason or another it instils a sense of peace within me. Somehow I know he understands and will bear all my burdens. And he will give me the strength and courage to endure till the end. When I read this I am reminded that I don't have to measure up to any standard. Sometimes I feel like I just don't measure up as a christain as a follower of Christ...I sin, heck I often don't even try...I stumble and slip, and I get so down on myself for not even coming close. But then I am reminded, in this verse that is meant to give comfort to the weary and heavy laden and then God reminds me, "Jesus...

Oh happy day! I went home this weekend for Sarah Young (now Sarah Drake) and Benjamin Drake's wedding. It was the most lovely state of affairs I've ever seen. A bit chaotic beforehand. My brother Leeland was driving, and on our way to the ceremony, he rear-ended some car in front of us and the front hood was annihilated. I couldn't believe this was happening 15 minutes before the wedding. I was completely stressed out. Leeland was too of course, the last thing he needs right now is to pay for new car damages. But sadly this is how it went. So I called Pam and she rushed to the scene, but we had no time to stop and goggle, we had a wedding to attend. Leeland had to stay behind and tend to the car and talk with the police. I felt almost guilty leaving him there in the dust, but I was determined to make it to that wedding. Leeland said he would just meet me at the reception. Upon arrival, I was greeted by the ever reliable Peter, and it made perfect sense to me that he was an ...

more to come.

Word of advice: Don't eat white chocolate to close before your bed time. Another word of advice, don't be anxious about things you have no control over. Tomorrow is my first Charity Fair event with CHS. It's for my internship. My second official advocacy type thing where I am going to represent my agencey in order to appropriate funds for our programs. I'm going to go to this fair, have my own little space on my own little side of the table...and I'm going to sit there, along with about fifty other reps from various other organizations, and I'm going to talk to whoever comes to my table about our programs. I'm going to hand out flyers, insist on them taking candy, in hopes that someone will support me. I really have no control over this. I'm as prepared as I'll ever be, and I'm still freaking out over it and losing sleep. My goal in posting this is that by 1:30 am I will be too tired to care and just plop on my bed and pass out. I don't reall...

I think I have insomnia. Last night was yet another one of those nights during which I couldn't fall asleep. I finally fell asleep at 5 am. I was going to update then, but my head felt so deprived of rest that I was rendered incapable of putting my thoughts into coherent sentences. I've had one nightmarish night, similar to this night, a week ago which was followed by subsequent nights of a normal and regular sleep pattern. So I am hoping this sleepless night will be followed by many sleep-satisfying-ones. I would really love to get a decent nights rest tonight. My head hurts. And the thing is, you would think after a night like this, I would be able to sleep soundly into the late morning or even well past noon...but I can't. I can't sleep too late; I can't sleep during the day really. I can take naps randomly while doing homework, but now I am afraid that is the root, if not at least becoming part of the problem. Maybe my recent habit of taking long afternoon naps ...

why is it that whenever something bad happens, and we need God the most...that is when we run? I am just speaking from personal experience. That is what I always do. whenever something horrible happens in my life and I am strickin with sorrow and grief, I don't want to go to God. I think, what could he possibly do? I think, why is God conerened with my petty little human problems...or sometimes I guess I even partially blame him and I'm angry that this happened and I don't trust him enough to go to him. Maybe I just am afraid he will hurt me more. or maybe Im not trusting in his power to comfort me, to console me? Or me, the way that I am I always try and get through something on my own. I dont want people to feel sorry for me, or pitty me. I dont want to come across as weak and unable to handel difficult situations. I am far to prideful sometimes. and I dont know why considering Im inept at half the things I do. but these are the times when we should call on the Lord, tru...

I'm not sure what it was that was keeping me awake, but between the hours of 2 and 5 am I could not bring my eyelids to shut and I couldn't bring my mind to be still and drift into dreamland. At times my eyes would begin to shut and then I would just begin to think about various things, things I can't change but wish I could. Things such as the way my friends or family think about their faith, or their lives or just God in general. This is something that troubles me quite often, although I think this is the first time I've lost sleep over it. Which leads me to believe God has answered my prayers in at least one respect (and I'm sure countless more ways, which I have not yet been able to see). But definitely in this way...I remember praying so much last year that I would not become complacent. I knew, at the time, I already had become complacent in my faith because for a period of time I stopped caring. I knew that I was not growing, I knew I was at a standstill, not...

i miss my family. i miss my sister. i miss my brother. i miss my kids. i miss mexico. but I have someone who never leaves me. i have someone who i cant miss because he is always with me. Do not withhold your mercy from me O Lord. may your love and truth always protect me. PSaLm 40:11

Earlier I was writing an entirely different post than this, but then I had to stop and sleep because I was tired and had no idea where I was going with it...and now I've lost my train of thought, and really have not much more to say on the matter. I mean, I still don't know exactly what I think about this whole predestination thing. I mean, I know what I ought to believe about it, but it's also really confusing and I'm not sure I understand it...I mean, at least not completely. I still have the post (which I never finished) saved as a draft. SO as soon as I work up the courage to go down that road again...well I will finish up and post it. For now I'm just going to ponder other matters. Ok so its my first week back at school and I am already screwing up all over the place. It's something I keep realizing. Just because I went to Mexico on a mission trip for the summer doesn't mean I'm some saint now who is going to be really good at everything who suddenl...

It is so hard for me to make blog entries. Its not as though I don't think of anything. I promise there is a functioning brain in this skull of mine. It's not as though, I never have anything going on in my life. In fact, sometimes I feel as though there is so much going on, and I have a plethora of thoughts and ideas running through my mind. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "I could post five pages about this!" and then when I actually have time, once I actually sit down and open up this page, and there is this white box staring back at me, and I suddenly blankout. When it came to Mexico I could write a book. I suppose it's just so easy to blog about what I am doing. It's however not as easy put what I am thinking out there, and spitball actual ideas. And I wonder what holds me back? Why can't I just put myself out there, share my opinions? IS it fear? Am I afraid of what kinds of comments people will leave? Am I afraid of something as petty as a grammar...

So I know I have been updating seven times a day for the past couple days, but I figure I am updating on everything that happened in Mexico and I do owe you guys that. Besides being home from Mexico has been nothing short of boring. I have nothing else to do. There is so much about my last few weeks in Mexico I could still talk about. This entry will be kind of short. This is just about talking to the kids this summer and what I learned from my conversations with them. Sometimes we try to talk people because we want to help them. Sometimes we go into the conversation thinking we can help them. Thinking that we can say or do something that will change their attitude, or their situation. Sometimes this is our goal. we go into a conversation with a specific thing we want to say, or a certain point we want to get across, all in the hopes that they will see things our way. We come across as preaching, and when we come across as preachy its because that is usually what we are being. What we ...

something that I learned from Sobre el puente is I can't change anything. I can't transform these kids lives or there hearts. Only God can. Something really hard for me to accept is, God is either going to change them or not, but whatever he does, he will do it in his own time. I want them to wake up right now. I want them to listen to the things we tell them everyday. I want them to really take the heart the things the staff and missionaries are say. I want them to be happy, and be safe. I want them to have a future, to have hope, and to be drug free. I want them to have a job, live in a home, have a family, have someone to love. I want them to know Gods love and accept it. I want them to realize they are worth something in this world. I want them to know they are beloved children of God. I want them to realize their potential and attain it. I would like them to know their talents and their gifts and have opportunities to share them. I want them to seek God and find him. I wan...

when you told me you were leaving you acted like you didnt care as if running away didnt matter and you never really were there but it wasnt as easy for me to pretend i wasnt going to lie and say that you leaving wouldnt hurt me again I couldnt smile and tell you that It'd be ok, It took all the strength I had not to beg you to stay and in the end I wish I would have I should have swallowed my pride, maybe then, I wouldn't be sittin here wondering if you were still alive. maybe you were trying to be brave and you thought you could be strong but I cant hide it when I'm afriad and I told you, you were wrong or maybe you dont know what you mean to me Or your own potential, and how great you could be you never saw the good in yourself that was so plain to me you said there are better people and one day I would see you saw a worthless street boy when you looked in the mirror you didn't try to make friends because you only knew fear but I saw an talente...

Wow being at Casa Hogar with my family and my church was probably one of the highlights of being there. I had missed my Dad, Leeland and Chantel all summer, and now here there were with me serving the same ministry along side of me, and loving the same kids along side of me. It was truly a blessing from God to be able to have some time with my sister and brother and dad there. It was good for the kids to see families interact, and it was so good for my dad, brother and sister to be interacting with the kids. All the little boys were in love with my brother. It was the most precious thing I felt as though Leeland was like their big brother. It made me proud. Of course seeing my dad and Leeland do grueling work on construction was nothing short of what I expected from them considering they both love manual labor. I also had a special opportunity this week to go with my sister and Kim to sobre el puente. My sister went with me Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday during the hours that the rest o...

Returing to Acapulco from Guanajuato was sad exhausting and refreshing all at the same time. I was bummed to say goodbye to the Fort Worth team, and all the new people that I had met there. It was sad, as it always is to say goodbye to new friends. The car ride back is always shorter than the car ride there. I remember thinking the car ride was going to be so long, but then it turned out to be too short (for me anyway, I don't know how the other interns felt). Two of the kids living at Sobre El Puente (Valentin and Carlos) decided to stay in Guanajuato at the camp site for one more week. I was going to miss them but I knew I'd see them again in a few short days. I got to ride back with Santos, Tony, Brisa and Angel. I was happy to get to ride back with Santos and Tony especially. My heart was a little heavy thinking about arriving back in Acapulco though because I knew that was when I would have to say goodbye to them, until possibly next year. I did not want to say goodbye to ...